Musing from a Random Mind

Sad Fates

2008-01-12T05:17:27Z

Watching people self destruct, while sad, can also be entertaining. Gee that does sound mean, and that is not what I want to suggest. I suppose what I really want to say, is some people just don’t get it, and I am continually amazed at their ability to continue to act in the same manner with the same results and still not see what they are doing to themselves. I suppose I thought most people really did move toward self-actualization, and part of that no matter what psychological theory you are ascribing it to, is becoming more who you are and understanding your own capabilities. So, that to me indicates a learning curve takes place. That should mean when you act or react in a certain manner and it causes negative impact consistently on your life, one should take the time to investigate if ones own actions are causing that negativity. Instead what I seen is a desire in them to place responsibility for the problems on others.

Case in point: There is a woman who works in the homeless shelter where I volunteer a couple of days a week. She is in her mid thirties, a bit frumpy, but comfortably so. She can be witty, interesting and is obviously very bright. She also has a chip on her shoulder a mile wide. She is dogmatic, and opionated to a fault. She reacts with anger, defensiveness, and almost pride in what a bitch she can be. She revels in her ability to be angry, and self righteous. She has a sense of self importance that is enormous, and no desire to work with others. She takes delight in “sticking to her guns”, and regularly tells people she works with “if they don’t like it they can kiss a certain part of her anatomy.” Needless to say she has not won friends, and people walk on egg shells around her. She is circumvented whenever possible. She has been reprimanded for her attitude, she has missed out on opportunities to work her way up, and yet she maintains the position that it is everyone else’s fault. It is as though the woman has no socialization skills, and does not even realize they are gone. I must admit watching her tirades is funny, but at the same time I feel sad to think that this talented individual will continue to shoot her self in the foot and with no self introspection will go through life never achieving what she wants because she alienates people continually. Her take on it, is this is who she is, and what she thinks and everyone else just needs to deal. She lacks the ability to compromise, see others viewpoints and she holds a total lack of respect for others opinions. This is just an example of how she can behave. During some down time she was expounding at length about her political opinions, one of her co-workers, very politely suggested that she held a different point of view on the subject, and explained why. At that point name calling ensued along with a comment that only bleeding heart liberals could think in such a manner, and ideas like this were what were destroying our country, way of life, and future. As a consequence personal discussions of any kind were banned in the office as being counter productive and distracting. Everyone knows the reason for this is because of this woman, and no one is very happy that the congenial atmosphere of the office is continually being eaten away at by this woman. The place is thick with dissatisfaction and tension. If she weren’t so capable no doubt they would have already have gotten rid of her, and I would not be surprised if they do eventually. It doesn’t affect me so much, since I don’t really have to be there, and for some reason she has decided that she can tolerate me. We rub along together fairly well. I wish there was some way I could mention to her how much brighter her future and life would be if she could just look outside herself, but that is a can of worms I am very reluctant to open. Perhaps when I move on I will make a discreet suggestion, but until then, I am enjoying watching the fireworks, at least as long as they don’t come my way.

Home Again, Home Again

2008-01-11T01:55:05Z

I was very sad to not be home this year at Christmas. We have such a close knit family that it just doesn’t feel right without all of us there. My dad always finds the largest tree that is physically possible to shove into the house. Believe me I know, I have tree shopped with the man, and it truly is his very own art form. Mom, even bakes, which is kind of nice, since we have this huge gourmet kitchen that only gets used a few times a year. I took cooking classes in Paris, so occasionally I will indulge myself, but usually what can be found on the refrigerator is take out menus, sorted neatly by food type, and quality of food. I know it was hard for my Mom and Dad with two of their children on different continents. We exchanged very tearful Merry Christmas’s at an oddly bizarre time via phone. Except for a little down time on Christmas day, I did ok. I have spent Christmas in London in the past, but the whole family was with me, I still don’t get the whole Boxing Day thing, but all in all it could have been worse. The boyfriend’s family made me feel very welcome, and even included a few of my family’s traditions along with theirs. They did make funny faces when I tried to explain egg nog, but once we added the whiskey, it was all good. I am sure they were shaking their heads over some of my crazy ideas. My family has a tradition that we always spend a couple of weeks after Christmas skiing. Strangely enough so does his. I was really there to do research, so I sent him off to the French Alps, because I didn’t want to feel guilty making him stay in London just for me. Then I hunkered down at the British Library and got busy. I love to stand and stare at the original manuscripts of the Bronte’s there. They used to keep them at the British Museum, but moved them a few years ago to the library. I always sigh when I walk past. I always think about Possession by A.S. Byatt when I am there, that maybe I will flip a page and find an elusive treasure. Yes, I am a research geek; I proudly admit it and even have a button that proclaims it.

I was, however, able to join them over New Years, and got some skiing in. I remember once my brothers talking me into trying boarding. One trip down the mountain primarily spent on my ass was enough for me, both of my brothers were holding each other up they were laughing so hard. I could just feel the love. They paid later, and paid and paid. I like the elegance of skiing much better. I also like two narrow strips on my feet, instead of trying to balance on just one.

After some more intense research, along with some interviews my advisor managed to help me set up, it was time to come home. I discovered some remarkable things, and am very excited to start including what I researched into my own theories and ideas. The only downside is with all of the new information; I may not be finishing this dissertation up as soon as I thought. There is always a price to be paid. Next year my parents are planning Christmas in Paris with relatives we have living there. I really would just prefer to stay home. I have never gotten the whole Europe is so much better thing at all. I mean I love to visit and there are many places I like to go and see, but I really love America. I love that moment when I get back in the states, and everything feels like home. I love the ice; I really really miss ice when I am overseas. I know that the rest of the world views us as crass and provincial, but I don’t care. I like to think we are just assertive and colorful. No where else makes cheeseburgers like we do. (In Italy once they put a sweet pickle on my cheeseburger, I mean can you believe that). Nowhere else moves quite so fast, nowhere else feels quite so alive. I mean yes the Louvre is great, but hey we got The Grand Canyon, and it has been there a lot longer too! Going home and seeing everyone, knowing just where the best deli is, the best coffee, don’t even get me started on the Brits and coffee. It is like wrapping myself in a huge fuzzy warm blanket. I even miss my apartment, tiny little nook that it is. Manhattan is my almost favorite place in the world, right after home. I feel just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. There really is no place like home. And yes a tiny little black velvet box did show up and the jury is still out on that conundrum.

Hearts and Minds

2007-12-18T22:22:59Z

Relationships are hard. It would be so much better if men and women were implanted with a small chip that would allow them to understand each other better. I mean with all the technology around it seems like that would be a fairly easy process. It seems like everything is rolling merrily along, then all of a sudden you realize you are both in very different places, and I don’t mean geographically, although with my current relationship that is also a problem. Getting to London from New York and vice versa really doesn’t take all that long. It is just with two very busy lives finding the time can be difficult. It was so much easier when he was working here in the States. Now don’t get me wrong, I really like my boyfriend, he is probably the greatest man I have ever dated. But I am in no way ready for more than that. I thought we both agreed that marriage and all that stuff was a long way off for both of us. Now, I find that I am wrong. He definitely wants more than what we have now. I have to go to London to do some research over Christmas and I am going to be staying with him, and I am a little worried about what is going to happen. I am terrified a little black velvet box is going to show up sometime during the stay, and I may end up running screaming into the night at that point. Probably not the best way to respond, it could for sure cause some major angst. I don’t want to break up; I just want things to stay the same. How do you convey that with out it sounding like major rejection? My life is just starting, there is so much to do and to see, kind of like that Dr. Seuss book I got for a graduation present. Oh, The Places You’ll Go! I like not feeling tied. I have way too many places to go still, and I want to be free to do all that. That was my first tip off I wasn’t ready for this, marriage probably should not equal “tied”. My friends tell me I am crazy, and am going to end up blowing this whole thing, and losing a fantastic man in the process, but it is not they whose wings will be clipped. This is causing major torment in my head and my heart. I do know this much, marriage should be something that is wholeheartedly embraced by both parties, and right now my heart is not ready to embrace it in such a manner. So in addition to all the research I will have to be burrowing my way through, there will also be a tightrope to walk. I just love it when life makes it interesting.

Thank you Mom and Dad

2007-12-12T21:07:35Z

When I was a young girl I was what my mother called bookish. I am still bookish, but not nearly as shy as when I was in my early teens. In my early teens I retreated into the world of books, because they were safe, and friendly. I have always loved to read, and books became my constant. I had a long love affair with Proust, before I moved onto the Russians. There have been so many studies done on young girls and what happens to them when they reach middle school. I suppose to some degree I fit the classic type. I had many friends when I was younger. Growing up with two older brothers, who could at times make my life, well, let me be kind and just say they made it interesting. I quickly learned not to leave too many girly toys lying around. I found my Barbies decapitated, hung, shot full of BB’s, dismembered and one was tied to a stake and partially burned. Contrary to what this sounds like, my brothers were not anymore blood thirsty than the other boys in our neighborhood. I was lucky to have one girlfriend who was there through thick and thin, but she also was the only girl in her family. So we did as humans do and adapted. We were the tomboys to end all tomboys. We could play soccer, baseball, basketball, swim, ride and roughhouse with the best of them. I still have scars that are reminders of playing hide and seek bareback on horses, a very interesting game indeed. Earning my brothers respect was important, and I quickly learned to avoid anything that could be construed as girly. I was at the top of my class in elementary school and was proud of my accomplishments. (No, I was not one of those bossy know-it-all girls, yuk!) Then came the great leveler that all girls face. Middle School, the snake pit of young adolescent girls. I had no interest in make-up, clothes, or boys, other than whether they could get the soccer ball into the net, or sink a basketball from the three point line. I was a tall, gangly girl, all eyes and legs. My nickname was giraffe, because of the length of my legs and neck. Girls can be the meanest creatures on the earth sometimes, (my mother has always said that a teenage girl is also one of the most ignorant creatures on the face of the earth, a comment I bitterly resented until I was no longer a teenage girl and realized she had a point). I was nothing like the cute little cuddly girls that most of the boys seemed to admire. Suddenly everything that was up was down and vice versa. The brains and athletic abilities that earned me respect in elementary school were no longer considered a bankable asset. It was all looks, and charm. I was quite confused at the sudden change of events. I was fortunate enough to have my friend who was experiencing the same dilemmas. We banded together and survived, barely.

I can still remember my mother’s younger sister’s determination to help me fit in with my peers. She took me to a modeling contest for one of our local department stores. I was fortunate to be chosen to model at one of the stores shows. I found the whole experience fascinating, and I must admit that the attention was a bit intoxicating. They played with my hair, slathered my face with skin products and makeup and turned me into someone I did not even recognize. It was when a modeling company approached my Aunt and Mom after the show that one of the biggest fights I can ever remember occurred in my family. My mother and father said, “NO” and they said it loudly and often. My aunt was horrified and I was crushed. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the household, before I reluctantly accepted their decision. While the experience made me feel better about my looks, I now thank them regularly for not letting me go down that road. My parents were very proactive and did not let me fall into the wasteland of young girls stunted by society’s expectations of them when they reached puberty. They did some research and enrolled me in a highly academic girl’s boarding school. I flourished there and it helped me become a self-confident, well-adjusted person. It helped somewhat that my best friend’s parents sent her to the same school. It kept me grounded, and helped me realize what was important. I did some studying abroad during that time, and all of these things helped me get into a good college. I shudder to think what might have happened to me if I had been allowed to choose the other road. It seemed attractive at the time, money, travel, attention, but I believe I would have lost myself and never pursued the love of learning that was nurtured at the very competitive school I ended up at. I wish more people would expect young women to use their minds to obtain attention, and not their bodies. I wish that women were groomed to take responsible positions in society. Of course women have made tremendous strides in our world, but far too often they are lost during that time of middle school, about the age of thirteen and fourteen. That is the age when what becomes the most important thing among young girls, is how they look, how sexy they are, how skillful they are at attracting the opposite sex’s attention. Not how they can construct a sentence or thought. It literally makes me sick to think of the tremendous women that never evolved beyond those ridiculous expectations. Thank God for my parents who saw beyond money and glamour and expected me to produce substance. I wish more parents would nurture their girls in the same way I was. I wish more parents would help their girls realize that while there is nothing wrong with looking good, there are other things to be interested in too. My parent’s anniversary is this month, so Mom and Dad thank you for caring about what kind of person I turned into, so much so that you fought what I thought I wanted, that you endured my anger and hateful words, and for making sure I was able to grow into the person I am today.

Very, Very Scary Laws!!!

2007-12-07T15:59:52Z

There are many sentences that should strike terror into the hearts of any freedom loving American. These sentences usually precede legislation that will greatly impact our freedoms. I heard two yesterday, and I am indeed terrified. “We are from government, and we are here to help you. We must protect the children”. Right there I knew that somehow or other the American people were going to get screwed, and I was right. Yesterday the House passed a bill that makes me wonder where the ACLU is when you really need them. They are once again working hard to control the entity that literally scares the crap out of the government “The Internet”. I love the catchy little names they come up with for this control. They seem to think if they put something about protecting children or youth, or decency in the bill we will all blindly jump on board, and say, “Yeah, I’m for that”. I believe they greatly underestimate our intelligence, at least I am hoping that is the case, one never knows anymore. Anyone remember the old CIPA legislation? The Child Internet Protection Act, what a wonderful non-threatening name. Who doesn’t want to protect children? Of course what that act really did was restrict the freedom of speech. What it basically required was that schools and libraries offering Internet access filter that access or lose the e-rate funding that the government gives them. Don’t you love how they always attach money to the stick? Now they have come up with a new bill, and it has passed overwhelmingly in the House. It has another sweet little name. It is called the SAFE act, standing for Securing Adolescents From Exploitation-Online Act. Doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? What the act does is horrendous and could have wide sweeping impact on our freedom. It requires anyone offering an open Wi-Fi connection to the general public to monitor and report any illegal activity, any obscene pictures, drawings or other illegal images (notice how they don’t define illegal images, they just leave it hanging there). If they don’t report such activity they could face fines up to 300,000.00. Gee I feel safer already. This act passed with only two brave souls voting against it. It is nice to see such courage in our legislatative branch, (yes, I am being facetious). How will they enforce this act you ask, well I have some ideas. The will target a couple of places, perhaps a Starbucks. They will find someone (maybe a friendly neighborhood whistle blower) and then they will pounce. The lawsuit will make headlines. Starbucks instead of being the friendly little gathering place for the yuppie crowd will be a purveyor of porn, porn directed at damaging our children. Probably not the image the company is going for. Or they will choose a library, and the same procedure will take place. Eventually they will shut down WiFi, connections to the public all together. Now this is not to say that I think we should all be shoving porn in the faces of children. But honestly does anyone really think all this control has anything to do with protecting children. No, this about a continual desire to control information. Until the Internet it was difficult to disseminate information. Grassroots movements were very difficult to start because it was so difficult to spread information. Now the government and big business has to be a bit more careful. Remember when everyone was horrified at the actions of the IRS; many people are still horrified at their actions, but back to my point. There were several stories that spread across the Internet like wildfire. Misuse of power, bullying of taxpayers, horror stories that may have languished because there was no way to get the information out, to a largely apathetic public. But the Internet changed all that, and the IRS has had to make some changes. There are many such examples. Now I will admit that the government has done some good things using the Internet. I absolutely love the THOMAS web site run by the Library of Congress. The GPO (Government Printing Office) the largest publisher in the world, now offers many of its publications online, and has even done away with the print versions, thereby saving the lives of many many trees. (Although the whole electronic information thing does bring images to mind of 1984). Why should libraries not filter access, why should WiFi connections be free and unfettered? For many the only computer access they have is at school or at public libraries. We are effectively barring these people who perhaps cannot afford computers from having free and unfiltered access to information. Once again it is the have nots who are impacted. The other reason is has anyone used the internet filters? If so please tell me if you have yet to find one that does not filter the most innocuous things. Once our campus instigated filters, all of a sudden I found that I could not access many art sites any longer, because they had pictures of nudes. After a time they got it fixed, but it required me asking and submitting sites for review. I had to attach my name to these requests, and my right to privately view what I wanted was lost. This is just more of the same, and we need to stand up and say enough, no more. We need to say it very loudly.

Can't We all Just Get A Long

2007-12-05T02:12:33Z

People are endlessly fascinating. I love to listen to them, watch them, and study them. They bring hours of entertainment, and all absolutely free. What I have noticed recently though has me puzzled. Why are so many people so angry? I must admit I don’t have much of a temper; it takes a great deal to get me riled up. I am not sure why it is that way, it just is. Mostly because I believe that people who can’t examine things in a logical and thoughtful manner, are just wasting brain cells. Now that is not to say I can’t become concerned about things, and that I will not express my opinion. I will, I just want to express in a reasonable and thoughtful manner, I want it to make sense. What I have discovered is when you make a matter personal, when name calling and profanity ensues, you have lost all hope of making your point, and basically end up looking like an idiot. The other thing I have discovered is people love to hate groups. For a society who has embraced political correctness (for the record I hate political correctness, it makes me want to say all sorts of inappropriate things just to see the total chaos it might create) we buy into such stereotypes. I am a Christian and attend church fairly often. I am not, however, a fundamentalist. I am involved with a very socially active church. We do outreach to homeless people, prisons, and children. I am a huge believer in living what you believe and not hitting people over the head with it. I would characterize myself as an Anne Lamott type of Christian. She writes a great column in Salon magazine. We have gays, single parents, and people living together attending our church. They are welcomed with love and respect, and make for an interesting and active congregation. But I made the mistake of mentioning to someone a church activity I volunteer for. It involves helping at a soup kitchen one weekend a month. Before I knew it I had been raked over the coals and left smoldering. I was accused of being narrow minded, homophobic, and ignorant. I am none of those things. I felt like one of those cartoons where someone gets hid on the head with an anvil and little birds start flapping around their head. Why does the word Christian automatically evoke those images in people? Christian fundamentalist have every right to their beliefs, this is after all American, but it concerns me that everyone seems to equate the faith with the single minded viewpoint put forth by those who are so strident about professing it. Christians, like Jews, Hindu’s and Buddhists come in all shapes and sizes, their viewpoints and practice of their faith vary immensely from sect to sect, from denomination to denomination. I just wish people would take time to know someone before attacking them based on some personally held vendetta or preconceived stereotype. It seems to me that people are behaving more and more irrationally. If they take a position, than all others whose position may be different are automatically their enemies. Our country was based on individual thought, on being able to form and hold personal believes and values. Now it seems as though others take it personally if you disagree about an issue. Are you pro-choice, than you are a baby killer, pro-life you are some kind of stupid fanatic. I have to insert a story here. I have a dear friend who is very pro-life, when she found herself pregnant and without a partner, she made the decision to give the baby up for adoption. She carried the baby to term, found parents for it that held similar values and placed the child into their arms. She gets pictures and letters from them yearly. I admire her tremendously. I also have friends who have made a different choice, and I have seen them suffer too. What I try to remember is they are all human beings with feelings, and memories and I value and love them all. Are you pro gay rights, than you are a perverted deviant, a belief that homosexuality is wrong, than you are a backward homophobic redneck. Why can’t we respect others opinions. Why can’t we accept that not everyone will agree with what we think and believe? So many times we jump to conclusions about others. I have many friends who views and beliefs are very different from mine. They have reached those beliefs based on thoughtful consideration, and so I respect them, even if I do not agree with them. We can discuss them in a friendly manner, and I believe we both come away with something to ponder at the end of the discussion. I wish we could see each other as people, each of us trying to do the best we can as we travel through this life, instead of opponents and enemies. Take a minute find a view that you disagree with, do some research on it, try to understand it, see where the other side is coming from. It will probably not change your mind, but at least you might understand their point. Almost all points of views have some merit. Not all, but most.

Women

2007-12-03T18:10:46Z

My great grandmother was very active in the suffragette movement, she marched and protested and even tied her self to a few fence posts demanding the right to vote. My grandmother attended law school before it was commonplace for women to do so, and worked as a public defender for years before joining a law firm. My mother was involved in the Peace Corps and served in a third world country. She then went to school in Paris and studied art. That was where she met my father. He worked for NATO. They lived in Paris for a number of years; in fact both of my brothers were born there. I was always taught that I could be and do anything I wanted to. That no doors would ever be closed to me because I was female, and if they were than I was capable of shoving them open. I admire what the women in my family have achieved, and I aspire to match or even surpass their feats. What makes me very sad is that when I was growing up, many of the girls I knew were not encouraged in the same manner. I grew up wanting to be Madame Curie, or Edna St. Vincent Millay, or any woman who stretched boundaries. I wanted to go places and see things and understand what the world was about. I wanted to be part of what changed things for the better. I never, ever wanted to be Brittany Spears, (upon reflection I feel this was a wise choice on my part). What makes me sad is many of the girls I knew did want to be Brittany, or some variation of that type of girl. To them success was fame, but not fame attached with substance. What they wanted was so diametrically opposed to what I was taught was important. Now it is all about whom you know, who you are sleeping with, what designer bag you carry, and can you get into the right clubs. The ambition I see in most women my age is more about who you can screw to get what you want, and achieving material satisfaction instead of really wanting to make a difference in the world, in our culture, in our future. It seems we have become jaded and uncaring about each other and there is no true desire to leave things better than we have found them. Maybe it is because I come from a long line of activists that raised my expectations higher than they should be raised, but I don’t think that’s it; I think it is because we have glorified fame and celebrity itself, not the talent that those things typically bring. I admire Katherine Hepburn, but she was talented and worked hard at what she did. Paris Hilton on the other hand just shows up at the appropriate “in” spot with her trademark pout, designer clothes, etc and is splashed all over entertainment news and magazines. She does nothing to warrant such interest, well except appear in sex tapes and get her self arrested. Where are women that girls can strive to emulate those that have accomplished something that matters? Why don’t poets, authors, activities, women who change things for the better appear in a few magazines? Is this really what we want young women to aspire to? If so, I am so glad I missed that memo.

Thanksgiving Angst

2007-11-29T23:11:00Z

There are three children in my family. I am the baby, (an enviable position to be in) and also the only girl, another plus. I am sure that I drove my two older brother mad at times, God knows they inflicted pain and agony on this poor little girl child. I know that they hated having me tag along, (mom made them let me play with them sometimes). I know I did not appreciate the horror’s they inflicted on my dolls, and other girl like toys. As they got older and moved into high school, while I was still in middle school, we drifted apart for a bit. I was struggling to make sense of this new world I found myself in, while their thoughts had turned to sports and girls, not necessarily in that order. It was during this stage of my life that I found out how wonderful and comforting brothers can be. I had lingered too long at my girlfriend’s house after school, and coming home had a rather nasty run in with the neighborhood bully. Mom had sent both my brothers to look for me, since I had broken the cardinal rule in our house about being out after dark, without letting someone know where I was. They came across me about a block from home, crying and lurching my way down the street. They questioned me about what happened made sure I got home and into the arms of my worried Mom. They then disappeared. (My poor mother, all the major illness, accidents, and dramatic scenes seemed to happen when my dad was overseas on business). They returned later after I had been comforted with chicken noodle soup, and ginger ale, the standard remedy for all aliments in our home. One had scrapped and bloodied knuckles, and the others coat was torn and bloody. The afore mentioned bully had a split lip and a black eye the next day. No questions were ever asked, but I was never bothered again, by that bully, or any one else. I also have a suspicion that both brothers had long talks with most of my boyfriends, because they always seemed a bit nervous around them at first. They made me feel safe and loved, even though they sometimes behaved like complete jackasses, (a genetic weakness in most males I believe). I miss them both dreadfully. Our paths have taken us far from each other, and with both of them in the military even holidays do not always bring us together. This Thanksgiving was especially poignant. My brother in the Navy was able to get leave and join us, but my other brother is in Iraq and his place was glaringly empty. He called us before the holiday to tell us he had lost a couple of really good buddies and how hard it was to watch them die and not be able to help them. I thought of those families whose empty seats would never be filled, I thought of other sisters whose brothers were lost to them forever, and I thought of the families who were suffering and in pain. It made it rather difficult to swallow the turkey. I watched as my Mom and Dad made over my brother and I knew they were wondering when or even if we would all be together. My thoughts and prayers are with those families, and I remember now to be very very thankful for the wonderful gift of loving brothers.

Railing at life

2007-11-14T23:00:51Z

School is great, most of the time, but lately, well let me just say, it has pretty much sucked, big time. I am working on my doctoral dissertation, and everything has been going along pretty smoothly. Resources have appeared, data has been collected, quantitative and qualitative research has been done, and life was rolling along quite merrily. I even had put a draft together that sounded fairly literate. All was well in the land of booklover. The thing about writing dissertations is that in some way you should create new knowledge. A difficult prospect when one is working on a degree in English. The most gut wrenching thing that can happen is to have completed almost all of ones work and then find someone else has published on the same thing. I have seen students break down and cry and these are big strong men that have done so, when someone else publishes something that is too close to their own research. Usually one can salvage something, but it is a sad day indeed when that happens. That has not, knock on wood, double cross myself, spit into the wind, happened to me. But I am holding my breath, and running as fast as I can. Then my advisor told me that he thought it would be very helpful if I have some original sources, sources that are kept in the British Library. They don’t loan those things out you know. So instead of spending Christmas in the happy bosom of my family, I will be in rainy, foggy, cold London, slogging around and digging through God knows what at the British Library. Life is so not fair.

Revolution!

2007-10-31T21:31:34Z

Politics are so not my thing. There are, of course, principles that I believe in, but finding them represented among the political elite is difficult. I really don’t have a political affiliation. I suppose you could call me a Libertarian as far as most of my views go, but politics in general leave me cold. My personal opinion is that anyone who crawled their way far enough out of the primordial slime to hold any kind of office of substance has compromised their own integrity beyond repair. A very cynical view for one my age I am told, personally I just think it is realistic. The deeply held core values of our freedom are all that I hold onto. I really do believe we get the kind of government we deserve and from the looks of things we have all been very naughty indeed. It is the small places the crevices of our country that I find hope. When I see pictures of my brother’s MEU unit sharing food with those in need in Iraq. When I hear my brother in the Navy tell about how someone picked up his buddies and his bar bill to say thank you for what they do. No matter how you feel about the war, and believe me I have some rather scathing comments about the whole thing, the people that go there willing to risk their lives for the mere pittance that they are paid are what gives me hope. There are other little nooks that give me hope. Lawyers who work on Project Innocence are another. They take time from billing out at five hundred bucks an hour and represent those stuck in prison that may be innocent. They use DNA evidence and they try to reform our justice system to prevent such errors. I work a few hours at a place that could not run without volunteers, and most of them are older, retired people. They have paid their dues and earned their rest, but yet they show up to help others. It is these small flashes of humanity that encourage me. Well, that and the realization that, hey we had a revolution once before, who is saying it couldn’t happen again. Let’s get rid of all the special interest groups, and lobbyists and instead lets have volunteers take over, people who genuinely care about certain things, and are not just there for the power, money or who they can get their picture taken with. Idealistic, probably, but a girl can dream.

Autumn Geeks

2007-10-24T19:39:35Z

Autumn is my very favorite season, followed closely by winter. Everything seems to move faster in the fall. The air snaps, the colors are brighter and the air, well the air is like a fine wine. I think one of the reasons I keep going back to school is I am not quite sure I would know what to do with myself in the fall if there wasn’t a new semester to start, new classes to prepare for, new things to learn. Yes I do have an official Geek sweatshirt, no I don’t wear glasses, wear neon socks, well hardly ever, and outwardly I look quite normal, maybe a bit too thin and angular because I don’t like to slow down long enough to eat. But the hidden Geek is there. Geeks are fascinating creatures; we know trivia and details that are totally obscure to others. There are also realms of geekdom. I don’t frequent the techie geekdom, or the fandom geekdoms, those geeks are not of my ilk, although I occasionally drop into their dominions for a chat. I hang out mostly in the intellectual geekdom; occasionally visiting the I can be a total dork about certain things geekdom. I still love to rake leaves up and jump into them; I still will jump into almost any body of water (not the Hudson) but anything fairly clean even if it is way too cold for jumping. I still want to find something that will scare me witless to do on Halloween, and I feed my inner child far more often than may be healthy for me. Life is short, and it only happens once. I will never be this age again and I want to do everything possible to savor, enjoy, feel, and live every second of it. I never want to become complacent about life, and I hope when I am old and tottery that I still feel the same way. My friends say I live with a frantic energy, but I think it is they that live far too languidly. I will have plenty of time later to contemplate, and slow down. I have reasons for living the way I do, and they are good ones, but for now I encourage everyone to find something you haven’t done since you were eight, and go do it!

Libraries Rule!

2007-10-23T20:29:44Z

I love libraries; they are in my mind the last bastion of freedom in our country. Where else can you go and find information on any and every subject? Where else can you find not just two sides of an issue represented on the shelves or in electronic data bases, but almost every side you could imagine, and all of this available for a few tax dollars per year? I have access to many data bases on the campus I go to school at and I use them often. Academic data bases, professional data bases, all provided for the student population. What is even more awe inspiring to me is a trip to the Manhattan branch of the New York Public Library. It offers much of the same that I find on campus, perhaps not quite as specialized, but still a plethora of knowledge at my fingertips. It is also fun to play on the really cool lions out in front, but I digress. Libraries bridge the gap between the haves and the haves not. Computer access, books, professional help all there for the asking. Want to find a book group, try the library, how about starting your own business, the library has classes, and books, want to hear an author speak, the library has them in to do so, basic computer classes, yep you guessed it the library. I am not thrilled with taxes, but ask me to pony up for a library and I will gladly do so. My parents complain sometimes about me turning into a professional student, and I guess they have reason, but I love learning and finding out new things. I mentioned to them recently that when I finish my PhD I think I will go back and get my Masters in Library Science. After they stopped rolling their eyes at my mention of yet another course of study, they smiled a bit, I saw a little respect there, their daughter the librarian. Who doesn’t love librarians, so maybe I will try to join their ranks.

Not a Fanatic

2007-10-22T22:10:10Z

Fanatic:

Main Entry: fa·nat·ic

Pronunciation: \fə-ˈna-tik\

Variant(s): or fa·nat·i·cal \-ti-kəl\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin fanaticus inspired by a deity, frenzied, from fanum temple —

: marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion <they're fanatic about politics>

dilettante

Main Entry: dil·et·tante

Pronunciation: \ˈdi-lə-ˌtänt, -ˌtant; ˌdi-lə-ˈ\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural dil·et·tantes or dil·et·tan·ti \-ˈtän-tē, -ˈtan-tē\

Etymology: Italian, from present participle of dilettare to delight, from Latin dilectare —

1 : an admirer or lover of the arts 2 : a person having a superficial interest in an art or a branch of knowledge : dabbler

The word fan comes from the word fanatic and after some of my experiences during the last week, I now understand why. I always thought I was a fan, but after seeing the “uncritical devotion” part of the definition I suppose I probably am not. I think I would classify myself as perhaps more of a dilettante; there are things that I am a fan of books, reading, knowledge, the unquenchable thirst to discover new things, travel, friends, family, but not a Hollywood actor. For that I must retire to the dilettante designation. I have a superficial interest, in this person. I like his looks, I like the way he sounds, and I love a couple of the movies he has been in, but uncritical, no, not going to happen. In fact I may be on the point of moving from the dilettante stage into the mildly interested stage. Of course I realize what I have done. I confused the way someone looked, how charming someone seemed, and the two roles I liked him in and built an image in my mind of that person. Lately, not just last week mind you, that image has become a bit marred. That doesn’t mean the object of my interest is a bad person, nor it is his fault, it just means that his life style is not one I admire. So, I think perhaps I was never really a fan, but always a dilettante. That is the problem with putting human beings on pedestals; they can rarely suffer the atmosphere. I have learned something from this experience. Never expect fans (fanatics) to behave in a rational manner, and idols almost always have feet of clay.

Top of Form

Scary Laws

2007-10-18T20:35:23Z

I read an editorial in the New York Times Book Review earlier this week called Libel Without Borders that has really freaked me out. It is about a book called “Alms for Jihad.” I have heard about this book and some of the controversy surrounding it but the article put the whole thing more in perspective. The book was written by two American scholars. The book was not a big seller, and after having looked at I realize it is written to appeal to an academic audience. The book talks about Islamic charity networks and how they are using that money to fund terrorist’s camps. What is frightening is a very wealthy banking family in Saudi Arabia decided to sue for libel, but not in the US, no, they chose to use Britain’s libel laws which place the burden on the publisher and the authors to prove their innocence. No innocent until proven guilty here. Unsurprising Cambridge Press, who does not have the deep pockets of a Saudi billionaire settled. What is upsetting is British libel law is having an effect on many authors outside their borders. Any book bought online in England even if it is not published there is subject to this law. The publisher destroyed all of the copies in their warehouses and demanded that American companies to the same, then to top it all off they demanded that American libraries, yes you read that right American libraries remove the books from their shelves and destroy it. Thankfully the libraries did not comply What is more troubling is this is not the first book that the same Saudi family has targeted and succeeded in stifling. It make me realize how precious our freedom to information is, and how people with money, agenda and savvy lawyers can start to infringe upon it. We live in a global community and that is great, until our neighbors laws start to encroach up on those freedoms.

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. Benjamin Franklin

booklover6 @ 2007-10-16T10:45:00

2007-10-16T15:45:40Z

I am a grad assistant at the school I go to, and sometimes I get to do really fun things. A local school asked for someone to come and talk about banned books and censorship, and somehow my number came up. I lugged a boat load of books with me and proceeded to explain to students how important it was that the free exchange of ideas be protected in our country. We talked about their parents rights to monitor what they read, but that those rights did not extend to others people's children. When parents try to have books removed from library shelves they are over reaching their authority. Library shelves should reflect any and all views even the ones most rational people would hate. We talked about one of my favorite books, Huckleberry Finn. It is such an interesting book to discuss concerning censorhip. Twain was reviled when the book first started to be printed back in the 1800's. It was serialized and people were horrified at his portrayal of the humanity of a black man. They hated that he created a thought provoking friendship between a white boy (Huck) and a black man (Jim). They called for it to be banned. Now days of course it is challenge from the other end of the spectrum. There are racial epitaphs scattered through the book, reflective of the era it was written in. The book, however, remains the same. A beautiful and great story about travel on a river and the journey that two interesting characters make on the river , both geographicall.y and emtionally. Hmmm. I just may need to go dig that book out and reread it.bookl

Brothers

2007-10-16T15:31:27Z

I have two brothers serving in the military at the moment. One of them is in the Navy and has just returned from deployment in the gulf. The other is a Marine in Iraq. I worry about him alot. No one says much. We talk about who has heard from him recently, when he is due home, the funny things he says in his emails, but we never ever discuss what type of danger he is in. Just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean the ghost of the knowledge does not hang over every conversation about him. I see it in they way my father stays up late and drinks far more coffee than anyone should be able to down. I see it in the way my mom's face puckers and her eyes tear when she needs to leave the room quickly. I see it in the way my dad trys to keep any news from my mom that he thinks might upset her. We walk around the spaces left by him, and try very hard not to step in to them. I will be glad when he is home, I know I will surely sleep sounder.